Our ever-enthusiastic president has once again shown his concern for legislating the safety of the American* people with the adoption of a new “walking only” drivers' education program to replace the more traditional, tell-all programs that are already offered.
“For years now, those liberals in Congress have been radical enough to support programs educating people about so called 'safe-driving' techniques and seat-belt use. But I said, no sir, not in my god-fearing country. This is not an administration of half measures and careful thought. The only way to prevent car accidents 100% of the time is by preventing driving altogether,” Bush stated at a press conference announcing the new policy.
Supporters tout the new program as the only way to really protect the nation's teenagers. The program will not mention seat-belt use, the previous staple for keeping drivers safe, except to cite its failure rates. The creators of the new program maintain that any further discussion of that and other 'safe-driving' techniques would “only provide our teenagers with unnecessary temptation.” While it is unclear to some as to how these new programs will affect the driving skills of students should they ever end up behind the wheel, proponents of the program have assured the public that these programs will indeed make the world a better place, citing numerous articles published in renowned journals such as, “Bush's Vision of a New Nation,” and, “The Right is always Right.”
Under the new law, states will only continue to receive federal funds for roadway maintenance if they implement these new programs within the next twelve months. While there have been limited protests by lawmakers in several ill-reputed blue states, Bush dismissed these concerns as “just another attempt by those Liberals to twist my policies to fit their leftist agenda.” One such liberal lawmaker even suggested that this new policy might amount to coercion by the federal government. “That is the same leftist garbage that they gave us about similar laws encouraging states to set a nationally approved state drinking age and offer only religio… I mean, federally approved sex-ed programs. After this excellent legislation, do we still have problems with underage drinking and promiscuity? I'll let the facts speak for themselves,” responded the president.
A source in the White House, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity, revealed that the president had prayed carefully about the policy. “He told me that this policy would help bring us a bit closer to the way that God** intended us to be. After all, you don't hear about Adam and Eve using cars, now do you? If God had intended us to move around like that, he would have given us wheels instead of feet,” the source said. While Bush mentioned none of this in his speech, and in fact denied that this new program was based on any specific religion, rumors of the policy and it's positive religious** implications have been circulating among his excited followers for weeks.
“Well, I'm just so tickled pink that we have such a darling, God-fearing president in office,” gushed one fervent Bush supporter, “my darling little daughter, Peggy-Sue, wouldn't even think of doing anything as immoral as driving, but you never know what other teenagers might do if they are given too much information.”
* American referring, of course, to the country the United States of America, since we are, in fact, the only country in the entire continent worth mentioning
** God and religion referring exclusively, of course, to Protestant Christian denominations that are pro-life and anti-gay, in addition to having donated a significant sum of money to the Bush-Cheney campaign in 2004
