Away

I’ve been somewhat remiss in posting/responding to emails/etc. lately and shall continue to be remiss for another week and a half. Tomorrow I’ll be hopping into my car and begin meandering (as much as one can meander at a speed of 65 mph) towards the east coast. Many apologies to all those I ignore during this time!

A note to the Bush administration, evangelical Christian leaders, and others I so love to mock: please, please don’t do anything laugh provoking while I’m gone.

It's in the Cards

I greatly dislike buying romantic greeting cards. I spent an hour this morning browsing through a sea of love, love, FOREVER, love, FOREVER, SOUL MATE, love, love, NEVERENDING LOVE, love, DESTINY, love, love, FATE, love, FOREVER. I became so sick of looking for the correct card for a significant other’s birthday that I deliberately bought a card that was all wrong and plan to cross out the parts I don’t like and replace them with new messages. I’ve also decided my skills are apparently needed in the card making business. So, here it goes... my first line of romantic greeting cards:

****
****
(front of card just has a picture of sexy lingerie)

(inside of card)
I'm just using you for sex.

****
****

(front of card)
I almost (heart) you more than I (heart) my job.

(inside of card)
Almost.

****
****

(If you’re reading this J, the above card was not intended to poke fun at you.)

****
****

(front of card)
I’ve been thinking about our relationship a lot lately...

(inside of card)
... and I’ve decided that you’re especially particularly nice.

****
****

(But yes, J, the above card was especially particularly intended to poke fun at you.)

****
****

(front of card)
I'll love you forever...

(inside of card)
... or at least until I run off with someone better.

****
****

Hell

Yes, I've been there and yes, it was frozen over (quite logically so, as it was December in Michigan). I even quickly ran a lighter under my finger and have thus officially burned in hell. Oh, the lengths I will go to for a corny joke.

- Party in Hell (Michigan)

***

Hell might not be living in Michigan. It might be living with your 18 year old brother. I’m theorizing that this living arrangement may end up being more difficult than being married, largely because one can’t threaten to withhold sex from one’s brother.

So, it’s not really hell yet. Perhaps just a case of heck is looming. My brother moved in last weekend and the first five days of our cohabitation went swimmingly. However, this may have been due to the fact that almost immediately after dropping off his kitten, Peaches, on Sunday he went to go visit friends until Friday morning. Friday night was fairly uneventful and even included a shared spaghetti dinner and a feeling, on my part at least, of potential communal happiness. I left on Saturday to visit my boyfriend’s parents and didn’t get back until Sunday afternoon.

I returned to potential conflicts. My house reeked of pot and there were cans of beer stacked in the vegetable drawer of my refrigerator. My sink was filled with my dishes, which he and his friends had used. They had also been using my computer. I suppose this isn’t a huge deal, but in my panic about my newfound lack of privacy, it seemed like quite the problem. I was pretty upset about it all, but wanted to wait until I was calmer to decide what to address before he and I had a “conversation”. His friends (including a 17 year old, which adds a new dimension to the beer-drinking part) came back yesterday evening, so I fled to stay in Columbus overnight. I’m back tonight and things are still somewhat messy, but there are no teenage boys (including my brother, who seems to have disappeared) and my house even smells relatively normal again.

Eck. Maybe it’s just purgatory. Does someone want to donate enough money to the Catholic church to buy my way out?

Miiiiiiracles

Not a miracle:

The World Trade Center cross is not a miracle. Support beams are generally connected at right angles. It seems rather unlikely that there would NOT be two connected beams in the shape of a cross found at the site. Finding a Star of David amidst the rubble? Now that would have been more remarkable. The planes, poof, disappearing immediately before hitting the towers, with all of their inhabitants safely transported to the ground? Yes, far more indicative of a divine presence.


Even more clearly not a miracle:

Stunning events that look as though they must have some sort of profound meaning aren’t even necessarily pleasant. Children being struck by lightening and killed while praying at cross? Oh, come on now. Clearly an anti-miracle.


Just plain amusing (and often entrepreneurial!) "miracles":

A bar manager in Switzerland has announced plans to sell an oyster shell resembling the face of Jesus Christ, according to local media.

- Original Article

A decade-old toasted cheese sandwich said to bear an image of the Virgin Mary has sold on the eBay auction website for $28,000.

- Original Article

A US hospital has asked the Catholic Church for help after being swamped by thousands of people seeking to view what they believe is an image of the Virgin Mary in a third-floor window.

- Original Article

A fish with markings that resembled a Koranic text has been found by Kenyan officials after vanishing from the fisheries office where it was stored.

- Original Article

A pet shop owner has found the markings on one of his tropical fish appear to spell the word "Allah" in Arabic.

- Original Article

Forget the Virgin Mary on toast - Juan Pastrano claims to have found the face of Jesus etched into his frying pan.

- Original Article

Hundreds of Muslims are flocking to a small terraced house in West Yorkshire to see a tomato which they believe carries a divine message from Allah.

- Original Article


Personal Miracles?

I woke up this morning, which means that I didn’t suffer from a heart attack, stroke, or the wrath of an ax murderer. My car started, I didn’t drive off the side of the road, and the truck that was considering merging into me on the freeway didn’t (after a sharp honk on my horn). This was all quite dandy. However, I also didn’t win the lottery (this would have been truly a miracle, seeing as I don’t play the lottery and generally refer to it as “a tax on people who are bad at math”), stumble upon the meaning of life (I hope to trip over it one day), or even find my favorite shoes (though I wished really darn hard!). Overall, I feel I am receiving miraculously mixed signals.

Maybe...

People who look for miracles find miracles. This isn’t a proof of a divine presence. This is just an indication that people are seeing and interpreting the world the way that they want to see and interpret it.

I’m not arguing against optimism. I’d personally rather notice the little clump of violets by the side of the road than the pile of dog shit lying just a few yards away. However, I don’t deny that shit does exist, nor do I assume that the presence of the violets is indicative of a higher plan or a divine being fond of the color purple. It’s all life, unpredictable, wonderful, terrible, and messy... we can take from it, and make of it, what we will. That still doesn’t make it a miracle... though if you find something that looks like one, you might be able to make $28,000.