Whale Souls, Tidy Demons, and Gingerbread Rabbits: A Less than Extensive Guide to Alternative December Celebrations

I’ll admit it- even as a raving (well, occasionally raving) atheist, I am a fan of most of the secular aspects of Christmas. I love the smell of cinnamon, pine, and cookies. I love Christmas lights, tinsel, and carols. I especially love Christmas trees; as a child, I used to crawl into the pine-and-dazzle space between the tree and the wall to read for hours.

Best of all: Christmas underwear. My grandmother tucks three to five pairs of new underwear into all family members’ stockings each year. I grant automatic bonus points to any holiday with such a fabulous guarantee.

However, perhaps trees and underwear are not the correct ingredients to kindle your holiday spirit. Or, perhaps you like celebrations so much that you want even more of them! Either way, in an attempt to make your life more exciting, I have compiled a less-than-extensive guide to alternative December celebrations to replace or supplement your existing  festivities.

Beiwe Festival

For fun with fertility, sanity, reindeer bones, sexist animal slaughter, and butter, try Beiwie. Wikipedia describes this holiday as follows:

The Saami, indigenous people of Finland, Sweden and Norway, worship Beiwe, the sun-goddess of fertility and sanity. She travels through the sky in a structure made of reindeer bones with her daughter, Beiwe-Neia, to herald back the greenery on which the reindeer feed. On the winter solstice, her worshipers sacrifice white female animals, and with the meat, thread and sticks, bed into rings with ribbons. They also cover their doorposts with butter so Beiwe can eat it and begin her journey once again.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

Alternative Version: Just eat sticks of butter. Mmm…. butter.

Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

What could be more exciting than an Inuit holiday celebrating the souls of whales who graciously* gave their lives and flesh throughout the past year? Well, perhaps a holiday that actually exists.

The souls of dead whales?," said Ronald H. Brower, Sr., director of the Inuit Heritage Center in Barrow, Alaska. "That's a new one. We do celebrate catching whales, and there are several celebrations throughout the year, but Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales? Never heard of that one."

- http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/12/1210_021210_whalespirits.html

Oh well. Reality is overrated, eh? For more random December holidays invented by calendar makers, see the alternative versions below.

Alternative Versions: Take It In The Ear Day**, National French Fried Shrimp Day, Flashlight Day, National Whiners Day***.

* Well, somewhat graciously and post harpooning.
** ?!
**Really, there was no reason to give whiners a holiday, but they wouldn’t freaking shut up about it until they had one.

Lucia, Feast of St. Lucy

Lucia or Lussi Night happened on December 13, what was supposed to be the longest night of the year. The feast was later appropriated by the Catholic Church in the 16th century as St. Lucy's Day. It was believed in the folklore of Sweden that if people, particularly children, did not carry out their chores, the female demon, the Lussi or Lucia die dunkle would come to punish them.[21]

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

It is possible that I just wanted to include this holiday because I have a picture of myself as a child, dressed as St. Lucia, presumably in an attempt to ward off female demons.

Alternative Version: Dress up as the demon instead of St. Lucia and threaten your loved ones with beatings until they do their chores.  Or threaten to withhold the beatings unless they do their chores.  Depends on their predilections, I suppose. 

Secular Christian Holiday Combo Baking Day!

In the past, friends have mocked me for not being “in the Christmas spirit” because my decorations are typically something along the lines of* three small red candles placed on my counter. I may have also spent my last several Easter weekends at atheist conferences rather than dying eggs and tying ribbons on ducklings, or whatever exactly it is one is supposed to do on Easter.

However, now I have exciting holiday photos of my very own to show these mocking friends! This year I token-celebrated not just one, but two Christian holidays, Christmas and Easter, with some traditional December baking.

Because, really, what’s better for secularly celebrating the both birth and death of Jesus in one bite than a gingerbread bunny?

Alternative Version: Celebrate the Jewish version of Christmas/Easter combo! Go out for Chinese food and a movie, in manner of the traditional Jewish Christmas…. and then kill Jesus.**

*"along the lines of" should be translated as "exactly"

** It's anti-anti-semitic.  Upon reading this, Mel Gibson should be offended.  Certain scary anti-semitic groups should be offended.  You should not be offended.  So stop it.

Celestial Post-It Notes

Kentucky law puts God in charge of security? Atheists appalled

As an atheist and a Kentuckian, Edwin Hensley was rather put off to learn that the God he has spent decades not believing had been put in charge of keeping the Bluegrass State safe from terrorism.

Turns out a stealthy legislative move by a Baptist preacher-turned-politician led to the passage of a 2006 bill requiring the state's Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge formally that safety and security in the state "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God." The language in the bill only recently came to the public's attention, leading Hensley and some like-minded Kentuckians to file a lawsuit against the state.

(skip a few paragraphs)

The law in question also required the state's homeland security office feature a plaque that reads, among other things, "Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh in vain."


- http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-081204-atheists,0,6784488.story

Apparently, god might get angry if his role as divine protector is not properly acknowledged. Or, perhaps god is simply disorganized, and the law is the equivalent of a celestial post-it note. As god is rummaging around his work desk, he runs across the note and groans, “Oh right! Kentucky! How could I have forgotten?” and poof, offers his divine protection.

Frankly, with his current track record, I’m not so sure this particular almighty god is the right one for the position. If the state of Kentucky insists on legislating a protective deity position, perhaps they should be required to solicit the resumes of other deities to ensure that they have found the best candidate for the job role. Homeland security? Frankly, I might go with Ares for maximum intimidation factor.

For Rep. Kathy Stein, who says she's the lone Jew in the Kentucky House of Representatives, the law itself, and the lawsuit she knew would follow, is a silly waste of time.

"It's a waste of taxpayer dollars, and we're in a significant budget crunch here," Stein said. "I believe the man" - and by that she means Jesus - "would rather us spend the money we used for a plaque in the homeland security office on insurance for an un-insured child."

Exactly. In all his omnipotence and stuff, I’m sure god would understand.

Prop 8- The Musical

I am going to post again within the next few days (as soon as the initial bout of jet lag wears off). Until then, this video is at least twenty times as amusing as anything I could come up with in my current state of perpetual grogginess:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die