Fretting Democrats

“I’m worried. I mean, everyone, absolutely everyone has put Obama on such a high pedestal and he’s bound to make a big mistake, and then everyone is going to hate him, and everything will be AWFUL.”

I hear worried speeches similar to this over and over again, generally from people who voted for Obama, but who have now decided that fret is the new hope. Optimism? I mean, that’s just so three months ago.

Based on the number of times I’ve heard this same speech, I can promise at least this to you who are worrying: you aren’t alone. In fact, if just those people who I’ve talked to about this in the past few weeks would give me your names and phone numbers, you’d probably already enough have members to wait list part of your new support group.  

Yes, yes, I’m horribly biased towards presidential optimism. I was just seventeen in 2001, so this is the first time in my adult life that I’ve had a president other than Bush. It still blows my mind on a daily basis that when I hear the president has ordered this or that overturned I’m elated, not disappointed. Starting to close Gitmo? Excellent. Rescinding the gag rule? Fabulous. Reaching out a friendly hand to other countries? Amazing.

I suppose I still share some of your worries. Of course he’s going to make mistakes. Of course people will jump on those mistakes as proof that Obama is too inexperienced, too elitist, or too liberal. Yes there will be plenty of political drama. However, this new political beginning strikes me as similar to the beginning marriage. It’s good to understand there will be rough patches down the road. On the other hand, if you begin your marriage imagining your divorce, you’re probably subscribing yourself to unnecessary misery.

Oh, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t look forward: planning for the future is essential to any relationship, president-to-supporters or otherwise. Yet, I think we can look forward while still savoring the honeymoon. There will still be plenty of time to argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes, take out the trash, or reduce the national deficit.

In the end, my sustained optimism comes down to this: when I look Obama’s plans and policies, his ideas and ideals, I see a country I want to be a part of. For me, that’s enough to keep the early glow of this relationship fresh for quite a while.

Obama calls for halt to Gitmo prosecutions

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba (CNN) -- In one of his first acts in office President Obama has ordered the U.S. government to suspend prosecutions of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay for 120 days, military officials said Tuesday.

-Obama calls for halt to Gitmo prosecutions

I am thrilled. Bush, maybe not so much. From the same article:

At his final White House press conference on January 12, Bush was asked whether the military prison and harsh interrogation tactics have damaged America's standing in the world.

"I strongly disagree with the assessment that our moral standing has been damaged," he said. "It may be damaged amongst some of the elite. But people still understand America stands for freedom; that America is a country that provides such great hope."

Yes.  Such great hope.  Like the hope that if you were a non-citizen, you wouldn't be held in Gitmo for years and years without charge.  Oh, and maybe tortured.  Yes, that is a reason for hope.

Also, the word "elite" has apparently been once again redefined.  Now it includes not just those who eat arugula, but also those who oppose torture.  Or, maybe it's just been redefined to include any qualities that a certain prominent Democrat might possess.   

No worries on my part. That elitist, arugula eating, torture ending guy is now my president.  My president.  Now THAT is a reason for hope.

Free Doughnuts > Abortion on Demand

This week’s This American Life included a segment where cute children read cute letters to Obama. In a quest for more cute kid recordings, I randomly stumbled upon clear evidence that Krispy Kreme is pushing Obama’s EXTREME PRO-CHOICE AGENDA by, horrors of all horrors, using the word ‘choice’ in their inauguration-day free doughnut campaign. (swoons from shock)

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American's sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies -- just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet "free" can be.

Just an unfortunate choice of words? For the sake of our Wednesday morning doughnut runs, we hope so. The unfortunate reality of a post Roe v. Wade America is that "choice" is synonymous with abortion access and celebration of 'freedom of choice' is a tacit endorsement of abortion rights on demand.

President-elect Barack Obama promises to be the most virulently pro-abortion president in history. Millions more children will be endangered by his radical abortion agenda.

Celebrating his inauguration with "Freedom of Choice" doughnuts only two days before the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision to decriminalize abortion is not only extremely tacky, it's disrespectful and insensitive and makes a mockery of a national tragedy.

- KRISPY KREME CELEBRATES OBAMA WITH PRO-ABORTION DOUGHNUTS

So…. Choice of Free Doughnut > Pride and Freedom of Choice > Obama > Tacit Endorsement of Abortion Rights > Mockery of a National Tragedy?

Even with my occasional (okay, frequent) misuses of the transitive property in the pursuit of being ridiculous (and linguistically yoga-like), I don’t think I can stretch that far.

Regardless, while I failed to find further recordings, you can still celebrate tomorrow’s inauguration (!!!) by reading some of the letters (just imagine the cute kid voices in your head as you read), ordering the full book of letters (it’s by and for a good cause!), or listening to the This American Life episode that inspired my original search.

Or, like Krispy Kreme, you can further ruin the world with free doughnuts. Shame. Shame!

Whale Souls, Tidy Demons, and Gingerbread Rabbits: A Less than Extensive Guide to Alternative December Celebrations

I’ll admit it- even as a raving (well, occasionally raving) atheist, I am a fan of most of the secular aspects of Christmas. I love the smell of cinnamon, pine, and cookies. I love Christmas lights, tinsel, and carols. I especially love Christmas trees; as a child, I used to crawl into the pine-and-dazzle space between the tree and the wall to read for hours.

Best of all: Christmas underwear. My grandmother tucks three to five pairs of new underwear into all family members’ stockings each year. I grant automatic bonus points to any holiday with such a fabulous guarantee.

However, perhaps trees and underwear are not the correct ingredients to kindle your holiday spirit. Or, perhaps you like celebrations so much that you want even more of them! Either way, in an attempt to make your life more exciting, I have compiled a less-than-extensive guide to alternative December celebrations to replace or supplement your existing  festivities.

Beiwe Festival

For fun with fertility, sanity, reindeer bones, sexist animal slaughter, and butter, try Beiwie. Wikipedia describes this holiday as follows:

The Saami, indigenous people of Finland, Sweden and Norway, worship Beiwe, the sun-goddess of fertility and sanity. She travels through the sky in a structure made of reindeer bones with her daughter, Beiwe-Neia, to herald back the greenery on which the reindeer feed. On the winter solstice, her worshipers sacrifice white female animals, and with the meat, thread and sticks, bed into rings with ribbons. They also cover their doorposts with butter so Beiwe can eat it and begin her journey once again.

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

Alternative Version: Just eat sticks of butter. Mmm…. butter.

Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

What could be more exciting than an Inuit holiday celebrating the souls of whales who graciously* gave their lives and flesh throughout the past year? Well, perhaps a holiday that actually exists.

The souls of dead whales?," said Ronald H. Brower, Sr., director of the Inuit Heritage Center in Barrow, Alaska. "That's a new one. We do celebrate catching whales, and there are several celebrations throughout the year, but Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales? Never heard of that one."

- http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/12/1210_021210_whalespirits.html

Oh well. Reality is overrated, eh? For more random December holidays invented by calendar makers, see the alternative versions below.

Alternative Versions: Take It In The Ear Day**, National French Fried Shrimp Day, Flashlight Day, National Whiners Day***.

* Well, somewhat graciously and post harpooning.
** ?!
**Really, there was no reason to give whiners a holiday, but they wouldn’t freaking shut up about it until they had one.

Lucia, Feast of St. Lucy

Lucia or Lussi Night happened on December 13, what was supposed to be the longest night of the year. The feast was later appropriated by the Catholic Church in the 16th century as St. Lucy's Day. It was believed in the folklore of Sweden that if people, particularly children, did not carry out their chores, the female demon, the Lussi or Lucia die dunkle would come to punish them.[21]

- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter_solstice.

It is possible that I just wanted to include this holiday because I have a picture of myself as a child, dressed as St. Lucia, presumably in an attempt to ward off female demons.

Alternative Version: Dress up as the demon instead of St. Lucia and threaten your loved ones with beatings until they do their chores.  Or threaten to withhold the beatings unless they do their chores.  Depends on their predilections, I suppose. 

Secular Christian Holiday Combo Baking Day!

In the past, friends have mocked me for not being “in the Christmas spirit” because my decorations are typically something along the lines of* three small red candles placed on my counter. I may have also spent my last several Easter weekends at atheist conferences rather than dying eggs and tying ribbons on ducklings, or whatever exactly it is one is supposed to do on Easter.

However, now I have exciting holiday photos of my very own to show these mocking friends! This year I token-celebrated not just one, but two Christian holidays, Christmas and Easter, with some traditional December baking.

Because, really, what’s better for secularly celebrating the both birth and death of Jesus in one bite than a gingerbread bunny?

Alternative Version: Celebrate the Jewish version of Christmas/Easter combo! Go out for Chinese food and a movie, in manner of the traditional Jewish Christmas…. and then kill Jesus.**

*"along the lines of" should be translated as "exactly"

** It's anti-anti-semitic.  Upon reading this, Mel Gibson should be offended.  Certain scary anti-semitic groups should be offended.  You should not be offended.  So stop it.

Celestial Post-It Notes

Kentucky law puts God in charge of security? Atheists appalled

As an atheist and a Kentuckian, Edwin Hensley was rather put off to learn that the God he has spent decades not believing had been put in charge of keeping the Bluegrass State safe from terrorism.

Turns out a stealthy legislative move by a Baptist preacher-turned-politician led to the passage of a 2006 bill requiring the state's Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge formally that safety and security in the state "cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God." The language in the bill only recently came to the public's attention, leading Hensley and some like-minded Kentuckians to file a lawsuit against the state.

(skip a few paragraphs)

The law in question also required the state's homeland security office feature a plaque that reads, among other things, "Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh in vain."


- http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-081204-atheists,0,6784488.story

Apparently, god might get angry if his role as divine protector is not properly acknowledged. Or, perhaps god is simply disorganized, and the law is the equivalent of a celestial post-it note. As god is rummaging around his work desk, he runs across the note and groans, “Oh right! Kentucky! How could I have forgotten?” and poof, offers his divine protection.

Frankly, with his current track record, I’m not so sure this particular almighty god is the right one for the position. If the state of Kentucky insists on legislating a protective deity position, perhaps they should be required to solicit the resumes of other deities to ensure that they have found the best candidate for the job role. Homeland security? Frankly, I might go with Ares for maximum intimidation factor.

For Rep. Kathy Stein, who says she's the lone Jew in the Kentucky House of Representatives, the law itself, and the lawsuit she knew would follow, is a silly waste of time.

"It's a waste of taxpayer dollars, and we're in a significant budget crunch here," Stein said. "I believe the man" - and by that she means Jesus - "would rather us spend the money we used for a plaque in the homeland security office on insurance for an un-insured child."

Exactly. In all his omnipotence and stuff, I’m sure god would understand.

Prop 8- The Musical

I am going to post again within the next few days (as soon as the initial bout of jet lag wears off). Until then, this video is at least twenty times as amusing as anything I could come up with in my current state of perpetual grogginess:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Palin Passive Aggressive

I won't be posting for a few weeks, but this time I have a good excuse- I'm going to South Africa!

In the meantime, I would like to coin a new phrase: Palin Passive Aggressive. This shall hence-forth be used to describe statements meant to subtly insult a Democrat, while feigning friendliness. Accompanying wink and "you betcha" are optional, but suggested.

See example below:

"I don't have fear, I have optimism," Palin said. "Barack Obama is going to surround himself with those who do have executive experience.

- http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/13/palin.obama/index.html

Post-Election Glee

When I was thirteen, my stepfather told me that he hoped I’d someday be able to vote for a candidate who I truly believed would be an excellent president. When I voted for Obama, I fulfilled that vision. Even better: he won.

I am sure there are at least 1.2 billion blog posts today waxing poetic about how Obama is going reverse oh-so-many of the policies of the last eight years, recover our country’s reputation in the eyes of the world, and rescue lots of cute, fluffy rabbits from the evil dragon in the tower. And, frankly, I am twitterpated enough with Obama to dance around the room in gleeful agreement for at least the first year of his term. However, for the sake of my feet, I will try to contain my glee. A little.

Though I no longer live there, I am really, really proud of my home state of Ohio for voting for Obama. Now, when I’m backpacking around Europe and mention Ohio, Europeans will possibly no longer grimace in a manner directly translatable to, “oh, right, that’s the state that screwed up the 2004 election.” Now, I have hopes that these same Europeans will return to their pre-2004-election response of an entirely blank look, directly translatable to, “where the fuck is Ohio?” Blankness is bliss.

I was so excited about the presidential election, that I didn’t pay much attention to the three issues on Massachusetts’ ballot until right before the election. However, all three were vote-worthy:

Issue 1: I voted to continue taxing my income. Of all the various forms of taxes, I find income tax the fairest. Also, as Joe the Senator said, paying taxes is patriotic. Or, since it’s a state income tax in this case, Massachusetts-atic. Or something silly like that.

Issue 2: I voted to decriminalize being caught with an ounce or less of marijuana. I rarely smoke marijuana. In fact, I have several favorite books that I have read and reread more times than I have smoked marijuana in my entire life. Regardless, while I didn’t feel like I personally had much at stake, I’m happy that the penalty has been reduced to a $100 fine in Massachusetts. I find it pretty ridiculous that cigarettes, alcohol, and semi-automatic weapons are generally legal substances, while marijuana is thoroughly demonized.

Issue 3: I voted to end greyhound racing in Massachusetts. The way the greyhounds are treated is pretty sad stuff, and this was an easy choice for me. I also would have also voted for Proposition 2 in California but, alas, I am on the wrong coast for such.

Also in California, I am very disappointed that Proposition 8 probably passed. As a resident of a state that does allow same-sex marriage, I must admit that I enjoy the snotty feelings of progressive-latte-liberal moral superiority when I think about the rest of the country (that’s how Massachusetts liberals think, right? I’m still practicing my technique). However, I don’t enjoy these feelings nearly enough to glad that most of the country is busy putting up barrier after barrier for two people who love one another to be legally recognized as married.

At this point, every time I talk about same sex-marriage, I feel like I am mimicking one bumper sticker or another. Minority rights should not be put to popular vote. If you are opposed to same-sex marriage, than don’t YOU marry someone of the same gender. Save marriage: ban divorce! Regardless, I think Proposition 8 is utterly unfair, and I am heartily disappointed by California. And Florida. And Arizona. Not to mention the billions of other states that previously amended their constitutions to ban same-sex marriage. It’s not a particularly new phenomenon, but it’s still disheartening.

After a generally exhilarating election, I don’t want to end my post on a sour note. I’m still optimistic that same-sex marriage will be legal throughout the country within the next few decades. Oh, and Obama is going to be president (gleeful dancing). In the end, that’s almost enough for an election.

Denial

In the spirit of denial, I am going to begin posting again without acknowledging the fact that it’s been almost a year since I last posted. Erm, except that I kind of just acknowledged it by denying it. Oh well.

I (don’t heart) Huckabee

"Unless Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain to tell us something different, we need to keep that understanding of marriage," Huckabee said, referring to the movie about two gay cowboys.

How clever. A merged pop-culture/biblical reference. In reality, the existing ten commands don’t address homosexual behavior or marriage though they do forbid adultery, often interpreted as any sex outside of marriage.

Really, if fundamentalist Christians are oh so concerned with reducing the amount of sex by unmarried couples, perhaps they should consider supporting same-sex marriage. Currently, Massachusetts is the only state where same-sex couples even have the option to be considered a-okay by those pesky stone tablet edicts.

Huckabee also expressed his opposition to heterosexual couples living together, calling it "demeaning. . . . I reject it as an alternate lifestyle."

- Huckabee's views on gays under greater scrutiny

Unfortunately it appears that I, in my deviant heterosexual live-in relationship, will still be damning myself to hell on a regular basis. Oh well.

For those of us unsure of our degree of personal sinfulness, Huckabee appears to have created a helpful continuum of “aberrant behavior.”

As first reported yesterday by David Corn at Mother Jones, Huckabee said the following in a 1998 book he co-wrote called Kids Who Kill:

It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of publicly endorsed and institutionally supported aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and necrophilia.

When we asked Carter if Huckabee stood by this quote, he didn't disavow the comment. But he sought to clarify its meaning, denying our suggestion that the quote equated homosexuality and necrophilia:

"He's not equating homosexuality with necrophilia," Carter told us. "He's saying there's a range of aberrant behavior. He considers homosexuality aberrant, but that's at one end of the spectrum. Necrophilia is at the other end."
Carter added: "No way is he saying that homosexuality is like having sex with dead people. That's not it at all."
Asked how one measured what rated where on this spectrum of aberrant behavior, Carter said: "He was talking about aberrant sexual behavior. Sado masochism and necrophilia are on the further end of the spectrum."

- Huckabee Adviser Clarifies Remark About Homosexuality And Necrophilia: They're Both "Aberrant Behavior," But They're At "Opposite Ends Of The Spectrum"

I suppose this means if Huckabee becomes president, I’ll never be permitted to enter into a civil union with my handcuffs. Such a pity.